Sometimes I wonder where I stand with people I haven’t seen in a while. After getting divorced, I worried I was portrayed in a way that led people to judge me in a way I thought was unfair and inaccurate. When encountering people I haven’t seen in a while, I’m not always sure if their opinion of me has changed. I cherish those who light up when they see me. My fears and insecurities vanish immediately, my entire body relaxes, and I delight in the reunion.
There are others who I’d never question where I stand. They’ve been consistent confidantes and cheerleaders. Our relationships have been fortified over many years to a level where I can’t imagine anything could break it.
It’s easier to put effort into relationships when I feel good. Being generous and kind comes naturally when I’m less stressed or fatigued. When I don’t feel well, it’s harder to look beyond my own thoughts and feelings to see what’s going on with others.
Sometimes, the shift from gathering strength to interact to being energized and excited to connect comes quickly. It can be from their energy rubbing off on me, their kindness, or their acceptance of me without demanding anything else.
Sometimes it’s a reality check that causes a shift. Realizing a friend is going through their own hard times and could really use support reminds me to look beyond my own life.
I’ve benefited and learned so much from many very wise and compassionate people who helped me through challenging times, and I try to pay it forward. Usually, it’s by example, but I’ve attempted to gather and share some highlights here.
Make bids for connection:
- Offer to listen, invite them to share, and make it clear there’s no expectation or pressure.
- Check in by phone, text, or email, and let them know they don’t have to respond.
- If I’m genuinely there for them at all times, make sure they know it and believe me.
- Be there for them when they reach out.
- If you’re able and it feels genuine, light up when you see them.
Consider conversation approaches:
- Ask open-ended questions that aren't leading. Avoid asking, “So you’re doing well?” Try “How are you doing?” If they’re not doing well, they won’t need to overcome an incorrect assumption before sharing whatever they’re comfortable sharing.
- Acknowledge that my own problems may be silly and aren’t as big as theirs, but they’re what I’m experiencing. Sometimes people are sick of dealing with their own issues and would like to hear what’s going on with you.
- Share without competing. Allude to how my experiences may be similar, but be clear that I understand their situation may be completely different. How I deal with similar issues or life events may or may not help them.
- Validate their experience before providing reassurance. If the validation step is skipped, it can appear to be dismissing their feelings and reality.
- If I get emotional, be clear that the topic is hard but I’m glad they’re sharing with me.
- Be patient, and let the pauses linger. What feels like an awkward pause can be received as patience. Quiet moments help allow time to organize thoughts and gather the courage to share.
- Avoid interrupting, it can disrupt their train of thought. If I do interrupt, I’ll try to bring the conversation back to the point where I interrupted them.
- Don’t yuck someone else’s yum. What works for one doesn’t for others.
- Be okay with not agreeing with them and not understanding everything. Trust they’re doing their best, and respect their decisions.
Show appreciation:
- Appreciate the relationship, and tell them why. Share how our relationship and times together help me and make my life better.
- When people ask for help, let them know how much they’ve helped me in the past. Share how being there for them is important to me.
Follow up:
- Sometimes my reactions can be misconstrued or confusing. If I’m really absorbing something, I might stare and not say anything. It can sometimes lead people to reach conclusions that weren’t my intention. If I realize later that this might have happened, I want to let them know that my reaction was sincere contemplation and not judgment.
- If I perceive an interaction as difficult, follow up later. Ask if it’s okay to bring up what happened and what I think I could have done differently. See how they feel about it, and see if they agree or have other insight. If they don’t want to talk about it, reinforce the relationship and let the issue go.
Each of these suggestions has one or many stories behind it. I cherish the friends, family, counselors, acquaintances, writers, bloggers, and leaders who’ve shared their wisdom and have helped me learn and grow. I needed it, and they’ve helped me immensely.
