Judgment Can Help or Hinder

What do I wish others knew about living with Multiple Sclerosis? I wish they knew their judgment can help or hinder us.

Everyone judges, and it’s not a bad thing. We all have opinions, hopes, fears, disappointments, appreciation, admiration, frustration, and expectations. They come through in our interactions even when trying to hide them. It’s not about the judgment, it’s about how it’s expressed. Whether that judgment comes through as cheerleading or criticizing matters.

Fears, disappointment, frustration, and unmet expectations can be helpful when approached with compassion and interest. They’ll drive a wedge if expressed as disapproval.

Hopes, appreciation, and admiration can be encouraging when allowing for imperfection. The same can be destructive when interpreted as conditioned upon things beyond our control.     

We know we’re being judged. We judge ourselves too. We compare ourselves to others. We wonder if we’re doing enough and if what we’re doing makes a difference. We judge ourselves for our successes, shortcomings, achievements, and failures. We live with grief for what we’ve lost and what we might lose. Living with MS is relentless and exhausting, and we judge ourselves for our ability to manage it.

If you’re feeling frustrated with someone with MS or want to improve your relationship, consider how you feel about our MS. Do you accept it? Do you feel like we’d do better if we’d just do what you advise? Do you resent how it affects us? How you answer those questions is telling, but there’s no perfect answer. Being self-aware and considering how you express your feelings can be a starting point for improving any relationship.  

If these questions feel invasive, consider a person with MS or any chronic illness lives with a societal norm where our health, life choices, and daily decisions are open game for group discussion and unsolicited advice with the best of intentions to help. The conversation isn’t inherently awful, but it is only productive when done with genuine respect.

Your judgment can be a teammate helping us navigate our challenges, or it can be an authority figure to avoid. You get to choose.